FIVE YEARS = 60 MONTHS

March 29, 2005 was the day we decided to throw away birth control.

As much as we were loving on each other,

we didn’t think that it would take long for me to get pregnant.

Every month we got excited because my period was two to three weeks late.

Little did we know that was classic PCOS.

We’d find that out three years later.

Anyway,

it’s five years later and we’re still not parents.

BARREN!

I’ve been down in the dumps,

really low.

My period started on March 29th.

Felt like a slap in the face.

My 41-year-old uterus is useless.

I decided to climb out of the darkness.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

Shug and I are in a good place.

We still love and respect each other.

We still want the best for each other.

And we’re seriously looking into other options for starting our family.

So,

I think I’ll be posting more.

It’s time to move on.

Time to stop obsessing about how much time has passed.

Look forward to the future.

God has something special planned for us.

Otherwise we wouldn’t have made this far.

 Together.

FIVE YEARS = 60 Months.

What’s really happening?

Not much.

Freaking the fuck out about turning 41 on Sunday, November 15th.

Took my braids out last weekend, rocking a natural fro.

Shug hates it.

Too bad, I’m rocking the natural hair for at least a month.

I miss The Tchoupitoulas so much.

I take out his box of toys out every now and then and smell his collar.

His scent is almost gone.

I cried on Saturday because The Breeder’s Cup was on.

 MyBaby Chop loved horse racing.

I’m looking forward to December 26th.

The entire family (MyMama, MyDaddy, Bigger Brother & his family, Big Brother & his daughter, me & Shug) is going on a cruise to celebrate Mom & Dad’s 45th Anniversary.

The kidney transplant will be in January, after we return from Mexico.

In the meantime, MyDaddy is having his gallbladder removed on Tuesday.

It’s only functioning at 15% and he’s in a lot of pain.

Shug’s Grandmother was placed in hospice last month.

We took a quick trip home to visit with her.

Yesterday the hospice nurse released her from hospice.

A home health care agency is going to care for her.

We’re convinced Grandma is going to outlive all of us.

Shug & I plan on travelling a lot next year.

We’ve also decided not take anymore fertility meds.

As I said before, it’s a waste of time and money.

I don’t know where that leaves my blog.

I’ll probably continue to blog, but more about our life.

Whatever I blog about, hopefully it will be more often.

I’ve been in a funk and haven’t felt like blogging.

Have I mentioned that I’m FREAKING THE FUCK OUT about turning 41?!

ummm……….yeah……….so that’s what’s really happening.

Humbled…

I have wonderful bloggy friends!

Thank you for the words of encouragement,

the offers to fund raise,

and the general support.

Thank you for holding my hand.

Thank you for listening.

I appreciate you ladies so much.

I’m still feeling the same way,

but you ladies have put  a lot on mind.

I appreciate that none of you are letting me off that easy.

I will take your advice into consideration,

and keep you posted on what we decide to do.

In the meantime,

I am truly humbled by you all!

It’s time to be honest…

So I’ve been quiet again.

Not really talking about infertility.

Not talking about how I really feel about infertility.

Not talking about much of anything.

The truth is,

we’re wasting our time doing anything other than IVF.

The truth is,

we can’t afford IVF.

The truth is,

we can afford IVF internationally & could possibly make it happen next year.

The truth is,

I don’t really want to do international IVF.

The truth is,

I think we’re done.

I think we’re done.

It hurts to type that,

but it’s time to be honest.

It hurts to admit it,

but it’s time to be honest.

54 months is a long time.

We should have two children by now.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of hoping,

wishing,

and praying.

I’m tired of jumping at imaginary pregnancy symptoms.

I’m tired of getting my hopes up when my period is late.

I’m tired.

Shug is tired.

We’re tired.

Unless God blesses us with a true miracle,

we probably will not be parents.

Ummm…… yeah,

it’s time to be honest.

Lovely day…

Lovely roses greeted me when I got home from work yesterday.

Shug is so sweet.

We had dinner at my parent’s house.

Tonight we have a date.

I don’t know where we’re going,

but we have dinner reservations at 7PM.

I think we’re going to go to a jazz club after that,

but I’m not sure because Shug has the night planned

and it’s all a secret.

My Shug,

I love him!

We took a break on the fertility meds this month.

That 32 day cycle proved that I didn’t ovulate when I supposed to.

I’m not certain if I’m going to take them again.

I have three refills left,

so we’ll see.

Enough infertility talk!

I’m having a lovely day,

and I’m looking forward to having a lovely evening

with Shug.

Happy Anniversary Shug!

Sharing the cake topper on our first anniversary.

Four years ago today we got married.

Three weeks after Hurricane Katrina.

Three weeks after we lost everything.

It was a small,

but perfect ceremony.

Just family and close friends.

We exchanged white gold wedding bands that we purchased  from a Zales outlet for $500.

A year later Shug got me a beautiful wedding set.

As much as I love my rings;

I only wear them on weekends

or on special occasions.

I wear my simple band everyday.

It was purchased with all that we had,

and it’s more precious than anything that I own.

I love him with all that I have.

And he loves me as well.

He’s my heart.

I wish that I could give him what I know he wants.

Prayerfully,

hopefully,

miraculously.

I love you Shug!

Thank you for making me your wife.

It’s creeping up! *Updated*

I’m headed to the doctor today.

My blood pressure has been elevated lately.

I’m not surprised with everything that has been going on.

High blood pressure runs in my family.

My daddy has it.

My oldest brother has it.

My other brother has heart disease.

I’ve had borderline high blood pressure for about seven years.

So when I noticed it creeping up,

and staying up

panic set in.

I’m also 30 lbs heavier than I was last year at this time.

I know that is a factor also.

Isn’t high blood pressure associated with PCOS?
Yes it is. But it can be managed with weight control, low sodium diet & exercise.

How does all of this factor into us trying to conceive?
HUGE FACTOR!  She can’t prescribe hbp medication while I’m trying to conceive.  Well that’s not entirely true. There are two medications that she could prescribe. I had a bad reaction to one and she refuses to prescribe the other because the side effects are horrible.

What if I get pregnant?
In her words, “That would be wonderful”! But I’m setting myself up for a hard pregnancy if I don’t get myself together right now.

Can pregnant women take blood pressure medication?
Since my hbp is still borderline, she wants me to lose the 30 lbs that I have gained and an additional 20 lbs.  Eat a low sodium and low cholesterol diet. And get my fat lazy ass back in the gym at least five times a week. 

Oh well, I guess I’ll find out what my PCP has to say about all of this.
She’s not happy with the blood pressure or the weight gain. As long as I’m trying to conceive her hands are tied. It’s up to me to handle my blood pressure. I have a follow up appt in 12 weeks. She said there has to be significant changes in my weight & blood pressure at that appointment. Otherwise, we will  need to speak about how healthy it is to continue trying to conceive. 

That was all the motivation that I needed, time to get serious again and get back into fighting shape.

 

Healing

I miss The Tchoupitoulas so much.

He’s been gone for a month.

And as much as it hurts,

we’re doing our best to heal.

Cletus is making it easier.

He’s so funny.

He makes us laugh every day.

We’re thankful for that.

We’re still trying to make a baby.

Medicated cycles aren’t helping.

We need IVF.

We can’t afford IVF.

We could afford IVF if we do it internationally.

We’re seriously looking into that.

So that’s it.

We’re still hurting,

but we’re also moving forward with life.

We’re healing.

Meet Cleetus

We adopted him from an animal shelter.

He’s Dachshund,

about a year old.

He’s a great addition to our family.

RIP The Tchoupitoulas

The Tchoupitoulas

We had to put The Tchoupitoulas to sleep yesterday.

I have never felt so much pain in my life.

He was my boy,

my baby,

I can’t believe he’s gone.

He was 16 months old,

and so full of life.

It felt so wrong to put him down,

but we had to.

My boy is gone,

gone forever.

I’m going to be silent for a while.

I’ll comment,

but I just don’t have much to say these days.

The past four years have been so painful.

Shug and I have been through it.

We’re good people.

We love each other,

we would make great parents.

But it seems that we have fallen out of God’s Favor.

I’ll be back,

but right now

I just can’t.