I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do it….

Because I felt like the F*@k You Up Fairy!

I took my first z.o.loft pill today.

My period,

Yeah I said it

Fuck that Aunt Flo bullshit

I’m a grown ass woman

I bleed

I have a PERIOD!

Unfortunately like clockwork

Every 32 days!!!

I usually have PMS a week before I bleed

Sometimes a few days before

But not usually the day of.

Anyway

My period started this morning

I cried like I usually do

And then I went to work

And the rage started!

Uncontrollable rage.

Shug had to bring me a pill.

Amazingly

It worked

And it worked quickly.

As you can tell

I’m still a little bitchy

But trust and believe

I’m much better than I was earlier today!

I’ll take another tomorrow.

I don’t want the F*&k You Up Fairy to show up again!

Negative!!

I’ve been sick with a bad head cold since Monday.  I saw my primary care physician yesterday, I needed some relief.  I will never understand how I’m stopped up with a runny nose. I just don’t feel well.  The first thing she asked me was if it’s possible that I’m pregnant.  I told her anything is possible, but with me it’s not probable.  She wanted to do blood work to rule mono but she also did a pregnancy test. Both tests were negative.  

The thing is, I’m okay with the test being negative.  I really am.  When I’m ready to share how I have been feeling about having children; I’ll explain why I’m okay with this negative pregnancy test.  While I’m not disappointed about the negative pregnancy test; I am disappointed because the me.tfo.rmin has kept me regular since I’ve been on it.  Now I have to call my doctor for a refill for pr.ome.trium. I was hoping that I would be able to avoid having to take it.  PCOS is taking over again.  I think my ovaries are back where they started and I’m going to have those long 48 day cycles without intervention. 

So I’m okay, and it feels good to be able to say that and mean it.  For the past three years I’ve said “I’m okay” when I wasn’t.  In the past, I wanted to put up a good front. Today, there is no front – I’m okay.

Ouchhhhh and a side of evil!!

So I had to go to my RE’s clinic this morning for blood work.  Today they tested for progesterone.  Nurse Evil called and told my progesterone looks great.  I didn’t get a number from her because it doesn’t matter…remember I’m Pregnant With A Possibility!  July 3rd is my beta. 

I have terrible veins, I inherited them from dad.  The nurses know that I have one good vein in my arm, the other good one is in my left hand.  I always get the nurse that doesn’t do hands. This bitch always uses a needle that’s too large (I need the butterfly) and she always blows the vein by going through it. It’s right under my skin, there is no need to go digging for gold in my arm.  Since I’m in the foulest mood EVER, I told her about herself today.  I told her I think jabs hard on purpose and I don’t want her to do my beta next week.  She feigned innocence and apologized, but I know better – bitch is just EVIL!

Back to me being in the foulest mood ever.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m hateful as ever.  It all started yesterday on my way home from work.  Dallas traffic is horrible and I hate it on an average work day.  Yesterday the traffic just unnerved me.  I need someone to explain the logistics of traffic to me. Why does the passing lane come to a complete stop and the other lanes move so quickly?  And why do I always get behind someone who thinks they can control traffic by driving SLOWER than everyone else?  By the time I got home I was frothing from the mouth.  Then I tried to relax by watching the news.  Bad idea, the news was so depressing and there is a weather man here that has terrible allergies.  He can’t get through a sentence without coughing.  A normal person would change the channel.  Not my hateful ass, I screamed at him and told him he needs a new job where he doesn’t need to speak. Finally I turned the tv off and went to the office to check emails.  The computer was slow as molasses.  I banged on the keys, turned the modem off and on, screamed at it.  Normal stuff, I just couldn’t take it. Then this morning I woke up mad as a hornet.  The puppies were working on my nerves, our older Shi Tzu was working on my nerves, I was working on my nerves!  Dealing with Nurse Evil this morning didn’t help my mood.  Maybe it’s the hormones from my Pregnancy With A Possibility, or maybe I’m just hateful!

Pregnant with a possibility!

I’m 6DPIUI today.  I don’t know if I have any symptoms; in my mind I’m pregnant so everything I’m feeling is a symptom.  I have the same cramps that I’ve had since the IUI.  Just a few minutes ago I convinced myself that the wave of nausea that hit me was morning sickness.  I scared the shit out of my Best Friend In The Whole Wide World by telling her that I’m pregnant.  She started screaming in the phone and I had to interrupt her celebration by telling her that I’m SPEAKING my pregnancy into existence.  If she didn’t live thousands of miles away I think she would have hit me!  I truly want to believe that if I can convince my mind that I’m pregnant that I will be pregnant. 

My husband and I had a long talk last night.  My 40th birthday is in November and my husband is 34.  We went into this IUI knowing that the probability of getting pregnant is very low.  Our RE was very honest with us, but we wanted to chance it before doing IVF.  Our plan was to do the IUI and if it’s not successful to do IVF.  Well last night we changed our plans.  We decided that we’re not going to do IVF.  We have to pay out of pocket since insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatments.  While we have the funds available to us, IVF is not guaranteed.  Paying $15,000 out of pocket in this economy…well it doesn’t make sense to us right now.  Surprisingly, both of us are okay this decision.  We know that we have done everything possible to start a family.  So this is why I’m speaking my pregnancy into existence.  This is it and this is all it will be unless our insurance changes.   And you know what?  That’s okay, because if we’re not pregnant, life will go on.  It will be a little quieter, but it will go on.  

2DPIUI

So I’m trying to figure wordpress out. I have no idea, how to make this thing work. I’m thinking of importing my Live Journal account to this one. But I’m also thinking about keeping them separate.  I have to figure out HOW to  import before I do anything.

So today is the second day past my IUI.  I’m still crampy and just a little bloated.  I guess all of this is normal.  I was perfectly primed for the IUI.  My lining was thick, I was ovulating from both ovaries, and Shel had a 58 million count.  We couldn’t ask for more. Now it’s in God’s hands.  If it’s his will, then it will be. Prayerfully it’s in His will…..