Healing

I miss The Tchoupitoulas so much.

He’s been gone for a month.

And as much as it hurts,

we’re doing our best to heal.

Cletus is making it easier.

He’s so funny.

He makes us laugh every day.

We’re thankful for that.

We’re still trying to make a baby.

Medicated cycles aren’t helping.

We need IVF.

We can’t afford IVF.

We could afford IVF if we do it internationally.

We’re seriously looking into that.

So that’s it.

We’re still hurting,

but we’re also moving forward with life.

We’re healing.

100th Post!

I started this blog on June 20, 2008.

The day after my first and only IUI.

I was  so excited typing my first post.

I had know idea that from that point on,

2008 would suck ass!!

It was one thing after another.

A failed IUI.

An ill fated decision to not pursue IVF after that failed IUI.

My aunt losing her battle to breast cancer.

A mutual agreement to pursue IVF in January 2009;

only to be derailed by Shug’s horrific knee/foot injury.

It was an ugly year.

It brought us to our knees.

But we made it.

We are blessed!

Tomorrow I’ll start another medicated cycle.

Once again,

I’m excited.

And hopeful.

Prayerfully,

my 200th post will be about my pregnancy.

I still have hope….

First of all,

I’m feeling much better.

Still having a little pain,

but nothing like the severe pain that I experienced on Monday.

So anyway,

I’m not ready to give up on trying to make a baby.

I’ve been thinking about calling my doctor.

I want to try a few medicated cycles.

I’ve never tried a medicated cycled along with me.t.form.in

and acupuncture.

It’s cheaper than IUI;

and since IVF is out of the question

it’s seems like it’s totally do-able.

I just made the appointment,

before I talked myself out of it.

I have a consultation scheduled on Tuesday at 10:45 AM.

Yay me!!

I’ve also been thinking about  BRAC Analysis.

I think I should do it.

And if it’s possible,

I’ll do it on Tuesday.

Shug is all for the testing,

he’s not excited about the medicated cycles.

And I understand where he’s coming from;

but since we can’t afford to do IVF

I feel like we should be doing something.

ANYTHING other than nothing!

I know it’s a long shot,

but I want to try.

I’m just not ready to give up yet.

For some strange reason,

I still have hope.

So I did it again…

I made my doctor cry.

I had my annual earlier this afternoon.

My doctor was so excited to see me.

He knew that we had finally made the decision to do IVF in January.

He asked if I was looking forward to seeing the RE next month.

He wanted to know if I was excited about In Vitro.

I hated to burst his bubble.

I told him about Shug’s accident and our change of plans.

He was heartbroken.

I watched his face fall.

Then he teared up.

He cried with me once again.

He told me that he’s going to continue to pray for a miracle for us.

Then he told me that he wants me to consider BRACAnalysis.

With such a strong family history of breast cancer, he’s very concerned about my cancer risk.

*big sigh*

It just never ends!

God give me strength.

Unspoken again….

So I haven’t been writing about infertility. 

I have grown to hate that word.

I’ve tried my best to remain positive and hopeful.

I’ve tried to speak a pregnancy into existence.

I’ve tried just about everything, except for the one sure thing that will probably help me.

IVF.

We had plans to visit with the RE in January. 

We had plans to pursue IVF in January.

Those plans changed when we found out that Shug will not be able to return to work until March 2nd.

I’m 40 now and we all know that’s the *MAGIC* number that you want to avoid if your infertile.

I’ll probably never have a child.

My husband won’t be a father.

That makes me so sad.

I liked it better when it was unspoken.

Change of heart

So I’ve had a change heart. I was all set to share my thoughts about having children.  When I left Dallas on Friday morning, I was armed with an arsenal of words for my nosy relatives.  I had every intention of letting them know that Shug & I are not going to have children.  I was going to let them know that I was sick of their questions about my infertility. I was going to stand strong and be bitch if necessary. 

Let me start over.  In September my Best Friend In The Whole Wide World (BFITWWW) came to visit.  She brought her daughters with her. Two beautiful little girls; they are one and four .  The one year old was teething.  She screamed the entire time she was here.  It worked on my last fucking nerve. My BFITWWW was the only person she would allow to hold her. It was an awful visit. I was annoyed with the baby and my BFITWWW.  Shug and I locked ourselves in our room at one point.  We had a very candid discussion. We both acknowledged that maybe we weren’t ready for children/ maybe we don’t have the patience that comes with parenthood.  The screaming had knocked the wind out of both of our sails.  I told Shug that I didn’t want to do anymore invasive fertility treatments. I even contemplated stopping met.fo.rmin.  I decided to stay on it because of the benefits that it has already provided and I believe it is helping with my weight loss.  Anyway, after much discussion we decided that if we get pregnant great, if not – it’s okay.

It’s funny how a funeral can change things.  I realized while we were celebrating my aunt’s wonderful life, how important family is. I realized that nothing is more special than sharing loving memories with your family.  I realized that I do want to have children.  I realized that I want to create a life with my husband.  I realized that I want to be able to share my child with my family and friends. 

My family that I was so ready to tear apart with mean and cruel words; they were so supportive this time.  I’m blessed to have a large, loud and loving family.  My mother is one of 10 children.  No one asked crazy questions. They were all concerned when I told them we had given up trying.  They couldn’t believe that we were giving up.  After a while I started to think. I called Shug (he stayed in Dallas to pet sit), and asked him how he really felt about giving up.  He told me that he would love to have children, but he doesn’t know if he has the patience.  I told him about the conversations that I had been having all day. I told him the family doesn’t want us to give up. They understand our fears and had shared wonderful stories with me.  We decided that we would discuss it more when I returned to Dallas.

We had that conversation on Sunday. It was such an open and honest conversation.  It was beautiful.  Probably one of the best that we’ve ever had. So here we are.  I’m still not ready for IVF, but we are going to keep trying.  My 40th birthday is next month.  I know that’s the magic number, but I’m not pressed.  As I stated in a previous post, I will get pregnant this year.  I will have a healthy and happy pregnancy. Shug and I will become parents to a healthy and happy baby.  Prayerfully this is all it will take.  We have two and half months to make it happen. If not, we’ll visit the RE in January and take it from there.

We’ve made a decision…

I called my RE’s office this morning and spoke to the IVF nurse.  We’ve decided to continue taking Met.for.min and Prom.et.riumand not go forward with IVF.  My regular gynecologist will take over monitoring me.  I wish this was about money, but it’s so much more than that right now.  I’m so full of fear; I’m fearful of the unknown.  I’m not in a good place emotionally, and I can only imagine what I would be like if IVF wasn’t successful.  If we change our minds, hopefully it will be before my 40th birthday in November. We want to enjoy the time off and prayerfully it will all come together…..someway….somehow…..