Archive for July, 2008

I saw a rainbow yesterday…

Posted: July 31, 2008 in Uncategorized
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it made me smile. Today, not so much. I’m just blah! I’m trying to shake it, but with PMS it’s really hard to do. I took the last of my Pro.metri.um on Tuesday, so AF should be here any day now. That’s all I have. Hopefully the blahs will pass soon and I can start blogging about what’s going on in my life.

sad

Posted: July 23, 2008 in Uncategorized
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I just returned from the doctor and even though I knew the plan, I’m sad.  I cried so much I made the doctor cry. I hate to say it’s not fair, but it’s not. Infertility is a cruel cruel disease.  Why doesn’t my body work?  *big sigh* I just don’t understand.  It makes me sad to know that my wonderful husband may never be a father.  *bigger sigh* I’m just sad!

I called my RE’s office this morning and spoke to the IVF nurse.  We’ve decided to continue taking Met.for.min and Prom.et.riumand not go forward with IVF.  My regular gynecologist will take over monitoring me.  I wish this was about money, but it’s so much more than that right now.  I’m so full of fear; I’m fearful of the unknown.  I’m not in a good place emotionally, and I can only imagine what I would be like if IVF wasn’t successful.  If we change our minds, hopefully it will be before my 40th birthday in November. We want to enjoy the time off and prayerfully it will all come together…..someway….somehow…..

I’m feeling fertile….

Posted: July 15, 2008 in Uncategorized
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I can tell that I’m going to ovulate soon. I don’t know if I’ll ovulate an egg or just produce cysts, but the fertile time is coming.  I always feel a slight burning in my nether region before I ovulate. I’m also a little crampy.  It doesn’t mean anything though.  I know that it would be too much like right to get pregnant withgood old fashioned sex.  We’ve tried that for 40 months without any luck so why would this month be any different.

I am the youngest of three children.  My parents have been married for 44 years.  My Bigger Brother is married and has two kids; a girl and a boy.  My Big Brother is twice divorced and has a daughter.  When I was 17, I made a promise to my dad that I would not have children until I got married.  Of course at that time, I figured that I would be married with 2.5 kids by the time I was 30.  Unfortunately things didn’t work out that I way.  I got married when I was 36.  I went off BCP’sin December 04.  I knew immediately after I went off the pills that something wasn’t right.  I didn’t have a period until February 05.  The next month we started trying to conceive. Every month I thought I was pregnant because I was late.  I was having 36 – 48 day cycles.  We were living in our hometown of New Orleans at the time.  We evacuated to Dallas before Katrina hit the city.  I had lived here before and my Big Brother lives here.  We decided not to return to New Orleans.  On September 17th, 2005 we got married.  I was 36 at that time.  I was still plagued by long cycles and decided to talk to my doctor at my annual in December 05.  She told me that all was well with me and that I had fibroid, but we should be able to get pregnant.  If we weren’t pregnant by March 06, she would refer me to an RE.  In March 06 I went to see her because we weren’t pregnant.  She referred me to an RE who I really liked.  I didn’t particularly care for anyone else at the clinic, but my doctor was great.  She ran blood tests and I had my first trans.vaginal. ultrasound.  She discovered that I several large fibroids that would need to be removed before we did anything.  In June 06 I had a laparoscopy and myomectomy to remove three large fibroids.  The very next month, my doctor left the clinic to teach in Oklahoma.  She told me that she didn’t believe the fibroids were my only issue.  After she left, I just wasn’t comfortable with the other doctors at the clinic.  We made the decision to wait and see what would happen.  We wasted a whole year waiting.  A friend recommended her doctor and I went to see him August 2007.  He discovered that I had Luteal Phase Defect.  He prescribed Fe.mar.a and Pro.metr.ium for four months. In November 07 after a 19 day cycle on the meds and he referred me to my current RE.  My husband and I met withthe new RE in January and I was diagnosed with PCOS.  He put me on bcp’s and met.formin.  We were supposed to cycle in April, but an HSG showed that my right tube was blocked.  On April 18th I had a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy to remove scar tissue from my previous surgery and to unblock the tube.  I was full of scar tissue, so much so that he was not able to remove the tissue that is blocking the tube.  The tube itself is fine, the scar tissue is in the uterus where the two meet.  He said it was like chiseling concrete and he removed as much as possible, but it’s still blocked. In May we made the decision to try IUI first and if it wasn’t successful to move forward with IVF.  The IUI wasn’t successful and I still don’t know if I want to move forward with IVF. What I do know is, we don’t have a lot of time. I will be 40 in November and I know that’s the MAGIC number.  We’ll discuss all of this with my RE next week when we meet with him.

Today was a decent day

Posted: July 15, 2008 in Uncategorized
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I work out every morning at 4 AM.  My mother and I meet at the gym and we workout for about an hour. It gives me enough time to go home, shower, get back in bed and sleep until 6:30 AM.  I usually wake up refreshed and ready to go. This morning, I was dragging my ass and it continued throughout the day.  Even though I was tired, I was still in relatively decent mood.  I just felt better.  I think I’m going to turn in earlier than usual tonight.  I don’t have much to say, but I wanted to write something.  That’s all!

A week of mourning

Posted: July 13, 2008 in Uncategorized
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I’ve had a week of mourning and now it’s time to brush myself off and start anew! I isolated myself last week. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone.  Even though I knew our beta would be negative, it was harder to hear than I expected.  I really had a lot of hope invested in the cycle, especially since we made the decision not to do IVF.  We may be rethinking that, but right now I just want to…..rest and be still.  My nurse explained that my dominant follicle was on the right ovary, my right tube is blocked.  In hindsight, we probably should have abandoned the cycle, but we wanted to try anyway.  We’ll talk to our doctor this week, he was on vacation last week.

So now, I’m feeling better and not so bitter.  We have two new puppies that are filling the void.  They are so freaking funny. They’re Pit Bull and Lab mix.  My husband found them wandering around the lot behind his job and brought them home on June 20th. We named the female Chloe and the male Tchopitoulas; we call him Chop.  Tchopitoulas is a street in our home town New Orleans. 

So like I said, I’m back and plan on posting daily from here on out. I want to thank you guys for your support. I really appreciate it, and I feel like I’ve made new friends.

And we’re out!

Posted: July 3, 2008 in Uncategorized
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The test was negative.  I knew it would be, but that didn’t make it any easier. I cried myself to sleep.  The nurse wants us to do another cycle, I’m not so certain about that.  I don’t know if I can go through this again. While it is certainly cheaper than IVF, I just don’t know.  This is hard and it hurts.