le sigh…

MyDaddy is in the hospital again.

He had a fistulogram with angioplasty yesterday.

He went home after the procedure and got sick.

He had a high fever,

shortness of breath,

and he was hallucinating.

He went to the hospital in an ambulance.

He has an infection and they promptly admitted him.

So while we’re in the emergency room,

waiting for them to transfer him to his room,

Ba.y.l.o.r Transplant Services called.

They had a kidney for him……

A KIDNEY THAT HE DESPERATELY NEEDS!!!

A kidney that he had to refuse because he’s admitted to a hospital with an infection.

I swear,

it never ends!

le sigh……

Be patient….

 

Praying for patience.

It will all come to fruition in His time.

Please remind of this if I start post crazy stuff.

My mind,

thoughts,

and emotions are all over the place lately.

CALM DOWN!

REMEMBER YOUR BLESSINGS!

BE PATIENT!

Still don’t feel like writing…..

MyMama isn’t going to be able to donate a kidney to MyDaddy.

She is devastated.

Her kidney function wouldn’t be at a healthy level if she donates.

A co-worker of mine has offered to donate.

He faxed his paperwork yesterday.

Isn’t that amazingly wonderful?

Thanksgiving was nice,

but no one was in the mood for turkey.

We ate gumbo and cornbread dressing.

We’ve decided to volunteer next year.

I see my  doctor on Monday,

I’ve decided to tell her that we are no longer trying to conceive.

She’ll probably put my on hbp medication.

Which is fine,

my uterus and ovaries are useless.

My annual is on Thursday.

I’ll probably make my doctor cry again.

There’s more,

but I’m still not in the mood to write.

This blog is depressing as hell!

I knew it was too good to be true…

 

My period started this morning.

I was hoping it wouldn’t,

but I knew it would.

I don’t know how I feel.

I’m not devastated,

but I am tired.

I’m tired of hoping,

wishing

and praying.

I’m tired of waiting.

Why not us?

WHY NOT US?

Thanks for the reassurance,

but I am sooooooo NOT pregnant!

I’m going to waste my time at 2:30

and go to my CD21 monitoring appt.

And I should have taken a little blue pill this morning,

because my irrational rage is

OUT OF FUCKING CONTROL!!!

Doubt….

Little flashes of anger,

have me doubting that we got lucky this month.

I feel the same way I usually do after I ovulate.

Heavy burning uterus,

heavy ovaries,

and PMDD.

Trying to walk on faith here,

but all of this has me filled with…..

DOUBT!

I’ll take Irritable for $500……

at the world right now.

It’s been a bad week.

PMDD in full fucking force.

I’m craving carbs & sugar.

I’m meaner than a hornet.

I’ve got a good bit of self pity going on.

And STILL,

I hold out hope that this just MIGHT  be my month.

All clues point to my period starting on Sunday,

if not earlier!

And I’m STILL hoping, wishing & praying that we’ll get lucky.

Why do I do this to myself?

This has to be a form of self-hatred.

I should have taken that  little blue pill this morning.

48 Fucking Months!!!

No picture today.

We’ve been trying to make a baby

for 48 fucking months.

48 FUCKING MONTHS!!

I WANT A BABY IN MY BELLY!!

I mean seriously,

is that too much to ask for?

This is not a good week for me.

I know my hormones are out of whack,

I know I should be taking the little blue pill,

but I don’t want to.

i want a baby..

I want a baby……

I WANT A BABY!!!

*big sigh*

I just want a baby……….

So I did it again…

I made my doctor cry.

I had my annual earlier this afternoon.

My doctor was so excited to see me.

He knew that we had finally made the decision to do IVF in January.

He asked if I was looking forward to seeing the RE next month.

He wanted to know if I was excited about In Vitro.

I hated to burst his bubble.

I told him about Shug’s accident and our change of plans.

He was heartbroken.

I watched his face fall.

Then he teared up.

He cried with me once again.

He told me that he’s going to continue to pray for a miracle for us.

Then he told me that he wants me to consider BRACAnalysis.

With such a strong family history of breast cancer, he’s very concerned about my cancer risk.

*big sigh*

It just never ends!

God give me strength.