100th Post!

I started this blog on June 20, 2008.

The day after my first and only IUI.

I was  so excited typing my first post.

I had know idea that from that point on,

2008 would suck ass!!

It was one thing after another.

A failed IUI.

An ill fated decision to not pursue IVF after that failed IUI.

My aunt losing her battle to breast cancer.

A mutual agreement to pursue IVF in January 2009;

only to be derailed by Shug’s horrific knee/foot injury.

It was an ugly year.

It brought us to our knees.

But we made it.

We are blessed!

Tomorrow I’ll start another medicated cycle.

Once again,

I’m excited.

And hopeful.

Prayerfully,

my 200th post will be about my pregnancy.

Patiently Waiting….

for my period to start.

Today is CD 30.

I just knew it would start yesterday.

I’ve had the cramping, burning nether region for about a week.

As much I as hope, wish and pray that I’m pregnant,

I don’t think that I am.

I guess I’m going back to 32 day cycles.

All I know is that the horrible mood swings are gone.

THANK YOU GOD & BABY JESUS!!

If my period doesn’t show up by next Sunday,

I’ll POAS.

Until then,

I’ll continue to wait – impatiently.

Month #46

We’ve been trying to make a baby for 46 months!

46 FUCKING MONTHS!!!

Wooosaaahhh………..

*taking a slow deep breath*

I’m fairly certain that I ovulated on Tuesday.

I had the usual symptoms

Burning nether region, bloating and some serious soreness in my left ovary.

Shug & I have been enjoying my fertile time.

We’ve been going at like teenagers since Saturday.

And we’ve had a lot fun doing it!

We always do.

So now, I guess I’m in the two week wait.

My version of the two week wait has changed in these four years of trying.

I used to eat right, increase my water consumption and restrict certain foods.

I used to jump at and document everything that I thought was symptom.

I would chart, take my temperature, check cm….I did it all.

Not anymore.

Doing all of that stuff nearly drove me crazy.

It doesn’t help that my body plays cruel cruel tricks on me.

About every other month or so, I get veiny boobs and I throw up before my period starts.

I don’t say anything to anyone

I don’t test

And I’m no longer surprised when my period starts right on time.

Some may read this and think that I’m having chemical pregnancies.

No, that would be too much like right!

These very same symptoms happened when I did my IUI and was being monitored by RE.

My IUI failed to get us pregnant.

So I no longer look at the TWW as others do.

I no longer buy into the TWW.

I throw caution to the wind and I do everything that I want to.

If I want to drink alchol, I do.

If I want to eat garbage, I do.

If I want to drink caffeine, I do.

I do what I have to do to just to get through it.

46 months……..46 FUCKING MONTHS!!

A week of mourning

I’ve had a week of mourning and now it’s time to brush myself off and start anew! I isolated myself last week. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone.  Even though I knew our beta would be negative, it was harder to hear than I expected.  I really had a lot of hope invested in the cycle, especially since we made the decision not to do IVF.  We may be rethinking that, but right now I just want to…..rest and be still.  My nurse explained that my dominant follicle was on the right ovary, my right tube is blocked.  In hindsight, we probably should have abandoned the cycle, but we wanted to try anyway.  We’ll talk to our doctor this week, he was on vacation last week.

So now, I’m feeling better and not so bitter.  We have two new puppies that are filling the void.  They are so freaking funny. They’re Pit Bull and Lab mix.  My husband found them wandering around the lot behind his job and brought them home on June 20th. We named the female Chloe and the male Tchopitoulas; we call him Chop.  Tchopitoulas is a street in our home town New Orleans. 

So like I said, I’m back and plan on posting daily from here on out. I want to thank you guys for your support. I really appreciate it, and I feel like I’ve made new friends.

And we’re out!

The test was negative.  I knew it would be, but that didn’t make it any easier. I cried myself to sleep.  The nurse wants us to do another cycle, I’m not so certain about that.  I don’t know if I can go through this again. While it is certainly cheaper than IVF, I just don’t know.  This is hard and it hurts.

13DPIUI

Our beta is tomorrow.  We’ll know by 1:30 PM and while I should be excited, I’m absolutely dreading the thought of it! I’m trying to remain optimistic, but I don’t have any symptoms so I also have to be realistic.  I want to know, but then again I don’t.  Oh well, one more sleepless night and I’ll for sure!

12DPIUI

What does pregnant feel like? Does it feel like this? I’m not so sure now. I don’t think I have any pregnancy symptoms. I’m not so confident today.  I’m not going to POAS; I don’t think I can deal with seeing one line.  My beta is on Thursday.  We’ll have the results by 1:30 PM.  Until then I’ll continue to wonder……..what does pregnant feel like?

Pregnant with a possibility!

I’m 6DPIUI today.  I don’t know if I have any symptoms; in my mind I’m pregnant so everything I’m feeling is a symptom.  I have the same cramps that I’ve had since the IUI.  Just a few minutes ago I convinced myself that the wave of nausea that hit me was morning sickness.  I scared the shit out of my Best Friend In The Whole Wide World by telling her that I’m pregnant.  She started screaming in the phone and I had to interrupt her celebration by telling her that I’m SPEAKING my pregnancy into existence.  If she didn’t live thousands of miles away I think she would have hit me!  I truly want to believe that if I can convince my mind that I’m pregnant that I will be pregnant. 

My husband and I had a long talk last night.  My 40th birthday is in November and my husband is 34.  We went into this IUI knowing that the probability of getting pregnant is very low.  Our RE was very honest with us, but we wanted to chance it before doing IVF.  Our plan was to do the IUI and if it’s not successful to do IVF.  Well last night we changed our plans.  We decided that we’re not going to do IVF.  We have to pay out of pocket since insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatments.  While we have the funds available to us, IVF is not guaranteed.  Paying $15,000 out of pocket in this economy…well it doesn’t make sense to us right now.  Surprisingly, both of us are okay this decision.  We know that we have done everything possible to start a family.  So this is why I’m speaking my pregnancy into existence.  This is it and this is all it will be unless our insurance changes.   And you know what?  That’s okay, because if we’re not pregnant, life will go on.  It will be a little quieter, but it will go on.  

2DPIUI

So I’m trying to figure wordpress out. I have no idea, how to make this thing work. I’m thinking of importing my Live Journal account to this one. But I’m also thinking about keeping them separate.  I have to figure out HOW to  import before I do anything.

So today is the second day past my IUI.  I’m still crampy and just a little bloated.  I guess all of this is normal.  I was perfectly primed for the IUI.  My lining was thick, I was ovulating from both ovaries, and Shel had a 58 million count.  We couldn’t ask for more. Now it’s in God’s hands.  If it’s his will, then it will be. Prayerfully it’s in His will…..