Uh……….yeah……..

This is My Best Friend In The Whole Wide World Baby Girl - Kennedy Simone

See that look?

That’s exactly how I feel.

I’ll start posting again after the PMDD passes.

It’s time to be honest…

So I’ve been quiet again.

Not really talking about infertility.

Not talking about how I really feel about infertility.

Not talking about much of anything.

The truth is,

we’re wasting our time doing anything other than IVF.

The truth is,

we can’t afford IVF.

The truth is,

we can afford IVF internationally & could possibly make it happen next year.

The truth is,

I don’t really want to do international IVF.

The truth is,

I think we’re done.

I think we’re done.

It hurts to type that,

but it’s time to be honest.

It hurts to admit it,

but it’s time to be honest.

54 months is a long time.

We should have two children by now.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of hoping,

wishing,

and praying.

I’m tired of jumping at imaginary pregnancy symptoms.

I’m tired of getting my hopes up when my period is late.

I’m tired.

Shug is tired.

We’re tired.

Unless God blesses us with a true miracle,

we probably will not be parents.

Ummm…… yeah,

it’s time to be honest.

CD1

that’s all!

eh…

No picture,

I’m still feeling funky!

Rae asked for an update,

so here it is.

Ultrasound was good.

The dominant follicle was in my left ovary.

The nurse called early Thursday morning,

my lab work was “REALLY GOOD”.

I didn’t ask for numbers,

just didn’t feel like it.

I know what PMDD feels like,

so it doesn’t matter how good the numbers were.

That’s all I’ve got.

I’ll post more when I feel better

and after my period starts.

Until then,

eh!

Thanks for the reassurance,

but I am sooooooo NOT pregnant!

I’m going to waste my time at 2:30

and go to my CD21 monitoring appt.

And I should have taken a little blue pill this morning,

because my irrational rage is

OUT OF FUCKING CONTROL!!!

Doubt….

Little flashes of anger,

have me doubting that we got lucky this month.

I feel the same way I usually do after I ovulate.

Heavy burning uterus,

heavy ovaries,

and PMDD.

Trying to walk on faith here,

but all of this has me filled with…..

DOUBT!

Today is…..

CD1!!

Why not us?

My period started bright and early this morning.

I knew it would.

I haven’t cried yet.

I took a whole blue pill instead of half.

I’m trying really hard not question God’s plan.

But I can’t help but ask,

Why not us?

Patiently Waiting….

for my period to start.

Today is CD 30.

I just knew it would start yesterday.

I’ve had the cramping, burning nether region for about a week.

As much I as hope, wish and pray that I’m pregnant,

I don’t think that I am.

I guess I’m going back to 32 day cycles.

All I know is that the horrible mood swings are gone.

THANK YOU GOD & BABY JESUS!!

If my period doesn’t show up by next Sunday,

I’ll POAS.

Until then,

I’ll continue to wait – impatiently.

I’ll take Irritable for $500……

at the world right now.

It’s been a bad week.

PMDD in full fucking force.

I’m craving carbs & sugar.

I’m meaner than a hornet.

I’ve got a good bit of self pity going on.

And STILL,

I hold out hope that this just MIGHT  be my month.

All clues point to my period starting on Sunday,

if not earlier!

And I’m STILL hoping, wishing & praying that we’ll get lucky.

Why do I do this to myself?

This has to be a form of self-hatred.

I should have taken that  little blue pill this morning.