Archive for the ‘ttc’ Category

Because I felt like the F*@k You Up Fairy!

Because I felt like the F*@k You Up Fairy!

I took my first pill today.

My period,

Yeah I said it

Fuck that Aunt Flo bullshit

I’m a grown ass woman

I bleed

I have a PERIOD!

Unfortunately like clockwork

Every 32 days!!!

I usually have PMS a week before I bleed

Sometimes a few days before

But not usually the day of.


My period started this morning

I cried like I usually do

And then I went to work

And the rage started!

Uncontrollable rage.

Shug had to bring me a pill.


It worked

And it worked quickly.

As you can tell

I’m still a little bitchy

But trust and believe

I’m much better than I was earlier today!

I’ll take another tomorrow.

I don’t want the F*&k You Up Fairy to show up again!


So I haven’t been writing about infertility. 

I have grown to hate that word.

I’ve tried my best to remain positive and hopeful.

I’ve tried to speak a pregnancy into existence.

I’ve tried just about everything, except for the one sure thing that will probably help me.


We had plans to visit with the RE in January. 

We had plans to pursue IVF in January.

Those plans changed when we found out that Shug will not be able to return to work until March 2nd.

I’m 40 now and we all know that’s the *MAGIC* number that you want to avoid if your infertile.

I’ll probably never have a child.

My husband won’t be a father.

That makes me so sad.

I liked it better when it was unspoken.


I was not unhappy when my period started yesterday.  I had a textbook 32 day cycle.  And as much as I want a child, I realize that now is not the right time.  There is simply too much going on in our lives right now.  My husband will potentially be off from work until January at the earliest.  I’m stressed and stretched thin. 

God has a plan for us, we don’t know what it is, but he has to have a plan for us.  I’ve only posted a few things that have gone wrong this year. We have been through so many setbacks, delays and denials.  It makes me wonder if this is the reason we haven’t been able to conceive.  God knows that I don’t do well with stress.  I am so emotionally overwrought right now.  God give me strength!

I’m thankful though. In spite of our messy, ugly life – I’m thankful.  I’m thankful that we have each other to lean on.  I’m thankful that I am able to support my husband while he’s down.  I’m thankful that my parents live so close to us; that moving in with them for a few weeks isn’t a problem. I’m thankful that my parents have allowed us to move in with them.  I’m thankful that my parents are able to care for my husband while I work. I’m thankful for my church family, neighbors, co-workers and family. They have payed some of our bills, cut our grass, cooked for us, given us money and have just been there.  We are not in this alone, and for that I am thankful!

So I’ve had a change heart. I was all set to share my thoughts about having children.  When I left Dallas on Friday morning, I was armed with an arsenal of words for my nosy relatives.  I had every intention of letting them know that Shug & I are not going to have children.  I was going to let them know that I was sick of their questions about my infertility. I was going to stand strong and be bitch if necessary. 

Let me start over.  In September my Best Friend In The Whole Wide World (BFITWWW) came to visit.  She brought her daughters with her. Two beautiful little girls; they are one and four .  The one year old was teething.  She screamed the entire time she was here.  It worked on my last fucking nerve. My BFITWWW was the only person she would allow to hold her. It was an awful visit. I was annoyed with the baby and my BFITWWW.  Shug and I locked ourselves in our room at one point.  We had a very candid discussion. We both acknowledged that maybe we weren’t ready for children/ maybe we don’t have the patience that comes with parenthood.  The screaming had knocked the wind out of both of our sails.  I told Shug that I didn’t want to do anymore invasive fertility treatments. I even contemplated stopping  I decided to stay on it because of the benefits that it has already provided and I believe it is helping with my weight loss.  Anyway, after much discussion we decided that if we get pregnant great, if not – it’s okay.

It’s funny how a funeral can change things.  I realized while we were celebrating my aunt’s wonderful life, how important family is. I realized that nothing is more special than sharing loving memories with your family.  I realized that I do want to have children.  I realized that I want to create a life with my husband.  I realized that I want to be able to share my child with my family and friends. 

My family that I was so ready to tear apart with mean and cruel words; they were so supportive this time.  I’m blessed to have a large, loud and loving family.  My mother is one of 10 children.  No one asked crazy questions. They were all concerned when I told them we had given up trying.  They couldn’t believe that we were giving up.  After a while I started to think. I called Shug (he stayed in Dallas to pet sit), and asked him how he really felt about giving up.  He told me that he would love to have children, but he doesn’t know if he has the patience.  I told him about the conversations that I had been having all day. I told him the family doesn’t want us to give up. They understand our fears and had shared wonderful stories with me.  We decided that we would discuss it more when I returned to Dallas.

We had that conversation on Sunday. It was such an open and honest conversation.  It was beautiful.  Probably one of the best that we’ve ever had. So here we are.  I’m still not ready for IVF, but we are going to keep trying.  My 40th birthday is next month.  I know that’s the magic number, but I’m not pressed.  As I stated in a previous post, I will get pregnant this year.  I will have a healthy and happy pregnancy. Shug and I will become parents to a healthy and happy baby.  Prayerfully this is all it will take.  We have two and half months to make it happen. If not, we’ll visit the RE in January and take it from there.

I’m 6DPIUI today.  I don’t know if I have any symptoms; in my mind I’m pregnant so everything I’m feeling is a symptom.  I have the same cramps that I’ve had since the IUI.  Just a few minutes ago I convinced myself that the wave of nausea that hit me was morning sickness.  I scared the shit out of my Best Friend In The Whole Wide World by telling her that I’m pregnant.  She started screaming in the phone and I had to interrupt her celebration by telling her that I’m SPEAKING my pregnancy into existence.  If she didn’t live thousands of miles away I think she would have hit me!  I truly want to believe that if I can convince my mind that I’m pregnant that I will be pregnant. 

My husband and I had a long talk last night.  My 40th birthday is in November and my husband is 34.  We went into this IUI knowing that the probability of getting pregnant is very low.  Our RE was very honest with us, but we wanted to chance it before doing IVF.  Our plan was to do the IUI and if it’s not successful to do IVF.  Well last night we changed our plans.  We decided that we’re not going to do IVF.  We have to pay out of pocket since insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatments.  While we have the funds available to us, IVF is not guaranteed.  Paying $15,000 out of pocket in this economy…well it doesn’t make sense to us right now.  Surprisingly, both of us are okay this decision.  We know that we have done everything possible to start a family.  So this is why I’m speaking my pregnancy into existence.  This is it and this is all it will be unless our insurance changes.   And you know what?  That’s okay, because if we’re not pregnant, life will go on.  It will be a little quieter, but it will go on.  


Posted: June 21, 2008 in infertility, iui, ivf, ttc, tww
Tags: , , , ,

So I’m trying to figure wordpress out. I have no idea, how to make this thing work. I’m thinking of importing my Live Journal account to this one. But I’m also thinking about keeping them separate.  I have to figure out HOW to  import before I do anything.

So today is the second day past my IUI.  I’m still crampy and just a little bloated.  I guess all of this is normal.  I was perfectly primed for the IUI.  My lining was thick, I was ovulating from both ovaries, and Shel had a 58 million count.  We couldn’t ask for more. Now it’s in God’s hands.  If it’s his will, then it will be. Prayerfully it’s in His will…..