Change of heart

Posted: October 14, 2008 in Family, infertility, ivf, ttc, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

So I’ve had a change heart. I was all set to share my thoughts about having children.  When I left Dallas on Friday morning, I was armed with an arsenal of words for my nosy relatives.  I had every intention of letting them know that Shug & I are not going to have children.  I was going to let them know that I was sick of their questions about my infertility. I was going to stand strong and be bitch if necessary. 

Let me start over.  In September my Best Friend In The Whole Wide World (BFITWWW) came to visit.  She brought her daughters with her. Two beautiful little girls; they are one and four .  The one year old was teething.  She screamed the entire time she was here.  It worked on my last fucking nerve. My BFITWWW was the only person she would allow to hold her. It was an awful visit. I was annoyed with the baby and my BFITWWW.  Shug and I locked ourselves in our room at one point.  We had a very candid discussion. We both acknowledged that maybe we weren’t ready for children/ maybe we don’t have the patience that comes with parenthood.  The screaming had knocked the wind out of both of our sails.  I told Shug that I didn’t want to do anymore invasive fertility treatments. I even contemplated stopping  I decided to stay on it because of the benefits that it has already provided and I believe it is helping with my weight loss.  Anyway, after much discussion we decided that if we get pregnant great, if not – it’s okay.

It’s funny how a funeral can change things.  I realized while we were celebrating my aunt’s wonderful life, how important family is. I realized that nothing is more special than sharing loving memories with your family.  I realized that I do want to have children.  I realized that I want to create a life with my husband.  I realized that I want to be able to share my child with my family and friends. 

My family that I was so ready to tear apart with mean and cruel words; they were so supportive this time.  I’m blessed to have a large, loud and loving family.  My mother is one of 10 children.  No one asked crazy questions. They were all concerned when I told them we had given up trying.  They couldn’t believe that we were giving up.  After a while I started to think. I called Shug (he stayed in Dallas to pet sit), and asked him how he really felt about giving up.  He told me that he would love to have children, but he doesn’t know if he has the patience.  I told him about the conversations that I had been having all day. I told him the family doesn’t want us to give up. They understand our fears and had shared wonderful stories with me.  We decided that we would discuss it more when I returned to Dallas.

We had that conversation on Sunday. It was such an open and honest conversation.  It was beautiful.  Probably one of the best that we’ve ever had. So here we are.  I’m still not ready for IVF, but we are going to keep trying.  My 40th birthday is next month.  I know that’s the magic number, but I’m not pressed.  As I stated in a previous post, I will get pregnant this year.  I will have a healthy and happy pregnancy. Shug and I will become parents to a healthy and happy baby.  Prayerfully this is all it will take.  We have two and half months to make it happen. If not, we’ll visit the RE in January and take it from there.

  1. iambrowneyedgirl says:

    I’m glad you and your husband were able to make a decision that you are both happy with. You and I will both be pregnant soon! We both say it and it will be so. Stay strong, and thanks for the support you’ve shown me. I’m comforted by it.

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